Days Without Wives
by Trianne

Pairing: All of the LOTR Cast at some stage or another
Rating: PG13-NC17
Summary: Please read the AN below.
Warnings: Bad language, stereotypes, bad jokes etc. Angst in this one, so handkies ready
Author's Notes: A daytime soap opera mission/quest/thing. Being the day-to-day story of ordinary movie star folk in their run-of-the-mill luxury men only complex in LA. "Hamlet: The Musical" does not exist as far as I know.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No profit is made nor offence intended.

Episode Seven
The One Where Men Are Men

Scene: Sean Bean’s apartment

Sean Bean is a beautiful man. He remembers filming “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” for the dear old BBC, in which he had played Mellors the gamekeeper. He had noticed that scenes that required his bare bottom to be pumping up and down always seemed to call for a far greater number of technicians, makeup artists, script editors, dolly grips, best boys, bad boys and randy boys than any other. Strange that.

Yes, a beautiful man. A good man. A softly spoken, easy going man.

“You chuffing wankers! Get your chuffing arses into gear…. Not another long ball you tossers, keep it, keep it, KEEP IT!”

Sean’s beer slops wildly out of its can and drenches his feet.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Sean?” asks Dominic, sipping his own beer with more care. Crappy Sheffield United playing some other crappy team does not set his heart on fire. Now if it was Man U, that would be different.

“Course! We stand a chance this season, mate. I really think this could be the year for us.” Sean has gone all misty eyed. Dominic takes this with a pinch of salt seeing as Sean has said more or less the same thing for the three years Dominic has known him. Dominic is eternally grateful he supports a *successful* team, himself.

“So,” says Sean, tearing his gaze from the TV set and fixing it firmly on Dominic, “what’s the score?”

“2-0 to them, I think..” says Dominic, puzzled. Then the penny drops.

“Oh, “ he says, and goes all girly, staring into the depths of his beer can. ”The score is that I am pretty sure that Billy is having second thoughts about the two of us. Sean, he wants Elijah back.”

Sean knew there was something wrong when the younger Brit had come knocking uninvited on his apartment door. It wasn’t really done, just showing up. Strewth! He had only just managed to get the place to himself again, what with Harry moving in with Orlando for the remainder of his vacation. But the pretty boy with eyes like torn fragments of an Elvish cloak had seemed so sad standing there on the doorstep, holding a six pack of beer and a slab of Kendal mint cake. Sean had welcomed him in. As long as the Mancunian git didn’t try to distract him from his footie, he could stay a while.

“Why do you say that, Dom? You’re probably just imagining things. I’ve seen Billy and you together, he’s besotted with you. You’re just feeling guilty about what you did to Elijah, and letting it get between you. Now, I love Elijah as much as the next red blooded, real man, but he will be fine. He will have his friends to rally around him. He will find love again, oh yes, I’m sure he will. Someone like Elijah doesn’t stay alone long, believe me. Am I right, or am I right?”

“Well, actually, Sean, you couldn’t *be* more wrong! I heard Billy on the phone to Elijah. I heard him issue an ultimatum,” Dominic wails.

He assumes a pretty good Billy voice to illustrate his point.

“‘I love you, Elijaah. I love you. I made a terrrible mistake with Dom, I realise that now. And I know Viggo is with you. If you allow him to do the naughty stuff, Elijaaah, consider us through. Show him the door and I will be over there in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Then we will make love, *slowly*. We will do all the rude things you like so much. The cream, as much of the *Star Trek* sex as you can handle..’”

Sean raises an eyebrow quizzically, and Dom explains. “Billy told me that Elijah likes to call it that cos its *NC1701* sex. As in, NC17 sex but actually the registration number of the *Star Ship Enterprise* and it involves the Captain’s Log... I know, it went over my head too. But you know he’s a chuffing geek!” Dominic laughs briefly, then bursts into tears.

Sean tears his gaze away from the screen, where his team have just missed a penalty. He tries to remember what Dom was saying. Something about cream? Oh yes... Wearily he mutes the TV so he can concentrate on his friend’s troubles.

“Oh, Dom. Billy said all that to Elijah with you there? The callous bastard!” Sean cannot believe that of the Scot.

“Well, he thought I was asleep. I thought *he* was. But then I heard his voice and there he was, in the den, on the phone to Elijah!”

“Oh, Dom. I am so sorry, mate. You sure you couldn’t have misheard?” asks Sean, shuffling over to sit closer to the younger man. He puts his arm around Dom’s shoulder and squeezes, gently.

Dom tries to think of a way in which *Star Trek sex* and *cream* might have an innocent explanation. He fails.

“Okay,” concedes Sean, “its unlikely. Mebbe Billy just thinks he might have jumped into a relationship with you a wee bit fast. Or mebbe he found out that Viggo were interested and that just enflamed his jealous nature?”

“It’s possible; Billy *is* insanely jealous,” says Dominic, mournfully. “But after Elijah found out about Hartford I thought it would be plain sailing. One day we would all be mates again, just that I would be shagging Billy and Elijah wouldn’t be. Now I think I’ve lost Elijah as a mate and Billy as a lover..”

In the companionable silence that follows, Dominic sniffles into Sean’s big, manly chest, while a big, comforting arm holds him in a strong grip.

Dominic sobs. After a little while, he looks up and sees that Sean is crying too. His incredible eyes, as green as Brussels sprouts, wet with tears. Dominic is unbelievably touched. He had never known that Sean could be this empathic. He is such a good friend, smells so incredibly good..

Sean Bean crushes his beer can in his hand and weeps.

3-0. Three Sodding Nil.