Pairing: All of the LOTR Cast at some stage or another
Rating: PG13-NC17
Summary: Please read the AN below.
Warnings: Bad language, stereotypes, bad jokes etc. Angst in this one, so handkies ready
Author's Notes: A daytime soap opera mission/quest/thing. Being the day-to-day story of ordinary movie star folk in their run-of-the-mill luxury men only complex in LA. "Hamlet: The Musical" does not exist as far as I know.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No profit is made nor offence intended.

Episode Three
The One Where Ian Buys Implements

Elijah has done something drastic. As Dominic forces his way into Billy's apartment his heart almost stops. This is bad. Oh Elijah!

On the way over, Dominic had tried Billy's cell phone four times but when Billy is at Marcel's he loses track of time. He will have been talked into something new, something devilish...

Dominic had belted across the complex, past the swimming pool and the Jacuzzi, run through the gym, to arrive breathless at Billy's, shaking and filled with a sense of impending doom. Elijah!

"Elijah? Lij? You here?" he calls from the doorway, peering around cautiously. Oh no! He recalls the telephone conversation, him dripping soapy scented sensual bubbly water all over the floor and Elijah on the other end of the line, sobbing, hysterical.

"You bastard, Dominic! I trusted you! I hate you! I know what you and Billy did in Hartford, that hotbed of iniquity and sin! I hate you both! I am here at Billy's and I am going to make him suffer! I will not be held responsible for my actions, you utter creep!"

And he was as good as his word. Dominic can only stare in horror at the – horror – he beholds in Billy's apartment. Oh God!

It's not a pretty sight.

Elijah has emptied the bag from the vacuum cleaner all over the white carpet.

Scene: Ian's apartment.

Ian is old. Very old. Creakingly old. But still with a sexy twinkle in those blue eyes, oh yes! He is also very wise. He has been around for a long time. He worked with Olivier. Those were the days. Shylock, Brutus, Claudius, Hamlet... Hamlet! Ah. He fingers the tickets he has acquired for "Hamlet: The Musical" as a surprise for Nick when he gets back from his extended holiday in New Zealand. He has the CD of the show already and, as he slips it with practised ease into the slot, he is beaming.

The show tunes blaring in the background, Ian leafs through his cook book for a good recipe for tonight. Sean Astin is coming over, and Elijah and Billy, Orlando and Viggo. He must cook something stupendous! Typically British? Orlando and Billy will be easy to please, being a Brit from Kent and a simple Scot, but the Yanks might not take to stewed mutton and boiled vegetables followed by spotted dick and custard. Of course, Orlando is a vegetarian, so Ian will open up a can of carrots and stick a Linda McCartney special in the microwave.

Ian jigs around to the sound of the showstopper from "Hamlet: The Musical", a wooden spoon his microphone...

Maybe he can try some authentic American food for a change. Hominy grits? Ramen? Hamburgers? Pancakes? Waffles? He must go shopping and buy ingredients. And warn Gustav on the gate that there will be a guest coming over. Sean Astin does not, of course, live on the complex. He is a – shudder – Married Man. Not that he will be bringing his – shudder – Wife – with him. Wives are not allowed in the complex, nor for that matter are females of any description – ever! No, Sean will be coming for dinner alone.

Waffles. Mmm. Waffles look easy to do. But he has no waffle iron. Sigh. He must go shopping for a waffle iron, whatever one of those looks like.

Stewed mutton would be so much easier.

Scene: Elijah's apartment

The drapes are drawn and Elijah sits on the couch surrounded by games. He is smoking his fifth clove in an hour and still managing to chew a nail.

He is desperately worried. He may have gone too far. That white carpet of Billy's was very expensive. Maybe if he calls "Stains R Us" he might get someone to go over and sort it out.

No! Damn it! He has a right to be peeved. His true love, Billy Boyd, has betrayed him with – Dominic! The bastard.

And tonight is dinner at Number 3a, Ian's apartment. Oh why did he agree to go? Why? Because Ian is a friend, that's why! Sean Astin will be there and he hasn't seen him for ages. Married men are such strange creatures, even ones whose hearts aren't really in it, like Sean.

Viggo will be there too. Oh, Viggo is such a hunk. What a shame he is so wrapped up in his art, his photography, his poetry...

Billy! Elijah wants Billy so much right now! He looks at his watch – Billy will be out of Marcel's and looking, well, different. Billy is a bastard but he has eyes like shiny jade marbles...

Elijah wonders what Billy and Dominic are doing right now, how and where they are doing it... and he worries about that carpet. He sighs and thinks about getting ready for tonight. Armani tonight, a change from Gucci? Yes.

He pulls off his daytime Gucci pants and starts a bath running. Dominic is a shower person, Elijah likes a long, leisurely soak in the bath.

As Elijah lights a pre-bath clove, he cries out in anguish "Oh God! Please don't let Billy and Dominic be there! Please don't let me break down in front of Ian and Sean Astin and Viggo and Orlando! Please don't let my heart betray me!"

"Oh, and God? Please don't let Ian be serving stewed mutton," he adds, picking out a tie.