Beware Of Geeks Bearing Gifts
Pairing: Billy Boyd/Dominic Monaghan
Rating: PG13
Summary: Billy and Dominic are enjoying domestic bliss. Elijah likes to spend money on them. Silly fluffy friendship/relationship stuff.
Feedback: Yes please, always appreciated - Trianne
Disclaimer: No profit is made, nor offence intended.
Dominic and Billy are lying in their bed in their apartment. It is a good bed, large and comfortable and smells divine because Dominic likes to wash all the bed linen himself and rinses it all with a particularly fragrant fabric conditioner. He would like, even more, to hang all this bed linen on a washing line so it can dry in the open air and become imbued with the fragrances of a fine summer's day. But that is not possible. The sheets are dried indoors in the tumble dryer.
All this is to say that Dominic and Billy like things fresh and breezy and sweet.
Dominic lies spoon like against Billy's back, his arm protectively around Billy's waist. They haven't had sex yet and it is way overdue. But they are surprisingly reluctant to start. By now, in the normal course of events, Billy would have had a tight grip on Dominic's penis, be caressing his balls and inner thigh. Dominic, following suit, would have been mouthing Billy's chest and stroking his back, increasing the pressure slightly as Billy's ministrations became more frenetic.
This has not happened. It is time wasted. It is wrong.
"Billy. It's got to go." Dominic is sitting up in bed now, hugging his knees and staring balefully at the bedroom door. Billy sits up too, and sighs.
"I know, I know. But it will hurt his feelings."
"Fuck his feelings! He is interfering with our shagging. What possessed him, anyway?" Dominic is exasperated. "I thought he was our friend!"
The subject of this conversation between the two frustrated lovers is sitting in the kitchen of the apartment. It is as far away from the bedroom as they could possibly make it, and that is not far enough by a long way.
When Elijah had rung that morning to say he was coming over with a present, he had sounded so excited and animated that Dominic and Billy had laughed out loud and speculated as to what this present might be. With Elijah, anything was possible. One day, he had arrived with an African mask, which he assured them was authentic and guaranteed to enhance their lovemaking proportional to its proximity to their bed. They had, of course, placed it right next to the headboard that very night but found that the vacant stare of this particular gift was so off-putting that they had discreetly consigned it to the airing cupboard, to be displayed only when an Elijah visit was impending. Billy was not convinced it was authentic, anyway; Elijah was a sucker for the soft sell.
Another time, a huge parcel had arrived from a well known department store. Eagerly the pair had ripped off the packaging, layers and layers of crepe and bubble wrap consuming their entire living room. Only to find it contained a "Lovers Guide to Sexually Stimulating Cooking", several jars of obscure herbs and spices, two aprons of the naked chef variety, a set of wood cooking implements and a leather bound copy of the Kama Sutra, with an appended section entitled "99 Positions You Thought Only A Magician's Assistant Could Master".
Elijah's heart was always in the right place, his taste in gifts was unfortunately not as sure.
And this latest one was a triumph. He had arrived, breathless and grinning from ear to ear, carrying a big cardboard box, obviously very heavy judging by the puffing and panting that was emitting from the younger man.
Billy helped him in and together they placed the box on the coffee table in the living room. Dominic emerged from the kitchen, coffee cups on a tray, and eyed the box quizzically.
"Guys, I was in a garden centre. I know, a garden centre! Me! I saw this and thought of you!" Elijah collapsed onto the sofa and giggled. He reached for a coffee and took a quick sip, then began fidgeting furiously, mentally urging them to open his gift. Dominic and Billy exchanged glances. It was Billy's turn to do the honours.
"Oh, Elijah. You shouldn't have," he said, sweetly, whilst mentally thinking that Elijah really shouldn't have, "what have we got here?"
Scissors were produced and the heavy duty wrap removed. The flaps were opened and the contents revealed. A plant. A very big plant. A very big, very green plant with reddish glossy leaves and, its crowning glory, a single pinkish flower. Dominic and Billy simultaneously decided it was the ugliest living thing they had ever seen; it seemed to have carbuncles and nodules erupting from its woody stem and its compost was grey and dank and slimy. Elijah was beaming as they lifted it carefully from its box onto the table. It stood approximately eighteen inches high and it smelled awful.
"It's a, wait a minute, let me find the tag…oh, the tag has fallen off. It had some kind of Latin name, anyway - fungiputridia deladonkia, or something like that. What the hell! It's a very rare Amazonian specimen, it cost me heaps, and the garden centre guy told me it was prized by the primitive tribes as their most powerful aphrodisiac!" Elijah could not contain himself, he was actually hopping from foot to foot.
"It smells a bit ripe," said Billy, uncertainly. Elijah's face fell and immediately Billy felt bad. "But its very pretty, very unusual," he carried on, quickly, and Elijah's face brightened.
Dominic was contemplating the plant from a safe distance and wondering just where they could put it after Elijah had gone. They didn't have a basement, and the airing cupboard was already chocker with other unwanted gifts.
"Elijah, can I ask you something?" he said, sitting down on the sofa next to his friend. "Why do you keep buying us gifts designed to improve our sex life? Do you think there's something wrong with our sex life?" He looked pointedly at Billy at this moment, as if to question whether his lover had been complaining to their best friend about their coupling, but Billy just looked blank.
Elijah looked taken aback. The cogs in his brain could be discerned, turning and analysing. Finally, he replied, quietly and so earnestly that Dominic melted.
"I just envy you guys so much, you know. You have each other, you have this great relationship, you have what I want. I didn't mean to imply you had any problems in the bedroom department, I just thought even the best stuff can be bettered." He looked so sad and embarrassed that Dominic pulled him into a tight hug and Billy came over to tousle his hair.
"It's a lovely gift, a lovely thought. And you are a lovely guy, the very best," said Billy, planting a soft kiss on Elijah's mouth. God, he thought, if he didn't love Dominic so very much…
Elijah rose from the sofa, blushing, and made it to the door, where he turned, his car keys in his hand.
"I love you two, you know that, don't you?"
"Of course we do, and we love you too," the lovers replied, almost in synch. Dominic entwined his fingers with Billy's and they both beamed at their departing friend. Said friend, just about to open the door, turned and said:
"Almost forgot, guys. The garden centre guy said the plant was in a state of hibernation during the day and came into fruition or something at night. He said not to water it, just feed it live spiders and things every other day, or the occasional slug. Oh, and he said it will probably grow another three feet within the next couple of months. And he said definitely not to worry, the cobwebby things that might start coming off it are totally normal. Cool, eh?" And then he was gone.
In their bed, their sweet, aromatic bed, Billy and Dominic stare at the towels they have stuffed beneath the door in an attempt to ward off the stench emanating from the kitchen.
"He never said it would stink like a dead dog," said Billy, and he lay down and pulled the pillow over his face. Dominic pondered a moment.
"If that is considered an aphrodisiac for that tribe, I bet that fucking tribe is extinct," was all he muttered, before diving under the covers and pulling Billy down with him.
The End